Twelve Ways of the English

1. They "don't do table service on weekends".
2. They bustle from cafes carrying synthetic cups of coffee or tea which they consume as they walk, drive, or turn on their computers.
3. Many of them have blue eyes.
4. By 6:00 pm, they've tucked into their final meal of the day.
5. At the next table, I think they're speaking English.
6. But I listened to the Arsenal football coach speaking before the match with West Ham . . .
7. They don't stop for a pedestrian unless they have to.
8. If they're a matronly woman selling you a newspaper, they call you "Love".
9. They set matching shakers of salt and pepper on the table, no matter what the meal.
10. They travel in pairs so that on a a ferry, say, if you see one, you'll soon see the other.
11. The young don't carry umbrellas.
12. You cannot smoke in here.

PS: Boy, was the wild mushroom stroganoff with new potatoes and a side of garlic bread ever good!